Dealing with the Prankster
by Azhwi
Summary: Rooming with Naruto is more a survival exercise than anything else, especially when the guy lands you in the hospital on a regular basis. AU. Sequel to Living with the Prankster.
1. Blame the Cake

_Disclaimer: The characters of Naruto belong to Masashi Kishimoto. This is a challenge between me and Sorrowful using prompts and word minimums. I chose to expand on the Prankster universe. Enjoy!_

_Round 1: 500-1000 words_

Chapter 1 – Blame the Cake

_Ugh, what time is it?_

Itachi turned bleary eyes to the green glowing clock on the wall and had to wait for his sluggish mind to work for a moment. _Analog. Why did it have to be analog?_ He blinked. Two-thirty?

A thud sounded from the hallway. Like a melon tapping on cement.

Carefully, Itachi eased himself up, feeling just a little light-headed. Maybe it was Akamaru. Kiba had asked them to watch his dog for a week. _Something about repainting the apartment. Chemicals not being good for the pup. _Couldn't tell who was sadder, the dog or the man.

Another thud. Was that dog sleep walking? Why else would he walk into walls?

Itachi pulled the blankets away—when did he have beige covers?—and turned to the side. Rails? Why did his bed have metal rails? "What?"

Something tangled on the pillows and the sheets as he reached for the rail. Confused, the man frowned at the tubes running out of his left arm. _An IV drip?_

"What?"

He reached for the tubes and somehow the world decided to turn clockwise and just a tad South.

CLANG!

Staring at the ceiling, one pillow on the floor, leaning precariously on a lowered metal railing, Itachi frowned again. Why couldn't he feel his knees?

On the other side of the door there was a muffled yelp and a scraping noise. The door shook with a strong bang, but it held. Then the knob turned.

Uzumaki Naruto's eyes were slightly wild as he rushed into the room. "Itachi! You okay?"

Itachi turned his head to look at the machines beside him and only then heard the beeps that accompanied his heart beat. The hospital. _My roommate has put me in the hospital._ There was a sense of resignation to that thought.

"Why—" the pale man broke off in a fit of coughing.

"Whoa!" The younger man lurched forward, grabbing at Itachi's shoulders and thumping him on the back. "Easy dude!" Naruto's warm hands helped the confused man back onto the cushions and straightened the blankets.

Itachi was faintly ashamed at how much effort it took to shove the excitable blond off him. Thankfully, the boy stood back as Itachi took in his surroundings with more awareness.

With the predictable result of the Uchiha glaring at Naruto expectantly.

"Uhm... You're in the hospital." The tanned young man rubbed his left shoulder and looked at the floor. "You fell down the stairs."

Itachi frowned. Swallowing a few times, he whispered, "Stairs?"

"Yeah." The blonde glanced up once, winced and looked at the machines as they beeped. "Thinking might be hard right now. They pumped you with some pretty hardcore drugs."

"Why?"

"Dude..." Shift to the left. Shift to the right. Blond brows scrunched above blue eyes. Itachi noted that one eye was bloodshot, the other ringed by a dark bruise. "You really can't feel that?"

"Naruto..."

"Your ribs man. Your whole side is cracked."

Itachi's head tilted to the side._ Couldn't feel a thing_. His free hand patted at his side, but his roommate shook his head and pointed to the other. So he reached for his unexplored left side.

Which is exactly when a doctor walked into the room to see the Uchiha's face pale as loose bones slid inwards with a grinding sensation that he distinctly _could _feel.

"Uchiha-san! Hands off the ribs!" the woman ordered as she rushed to the side of the bed. "Naruto!"

"What?"

"Get OUT!"

Firm hands pressed the stunned man back down to the bed and the woman spoke again in a softer tone. "You need to let those heal. The more you agitate them, the longer it will take."

Itachi shook his head. "I don't remember..."

"Stairs, Itachi," Naruto murmured from the doorway, ignoring the look the brunette nurse gave him as she looked away from her charge.

"Naruto," the doctor growled and the blond cringed.

Instead of backing out through the door completely, he looked at Itachi guiltily. "And maybe a drunk Lee," he admitted very very quietly.

Rock Lee? Drunk? Crawling signals through the brain shuddered from the thought. There had been alcohol in the apartment that night, _cases of it_, but Lee knew better than to drink. Baked goods, junk food, but not...

"The cake?" _That little?_

Naruto dredged up a small smile. "Kisame's rum cake _was _good."

The woman, _Shizune _said the name tag, huffed and frowned at her patient before visually coming to a decision. "Naruto." She turned and moved implacably towards the young man by the door, aggravation radiating off her stiff shoulders. "He needs to _rest_, which means no talking. Get out!"

"Er... Right!" Blinking, the kid waved his hands in the air and flashed a more genuine smile towards man with the broken ribs. "Happy birthday dude!"

Itachi shut his eyes on the bright grin and groaned. If the bloody nuisance didn't leave soon, he would _help _Shizune put the boy in traction, busted ribs or no.

_Next year, celebrations will be me, Kisame, and the cake. No more friends of Naruto's._

The depressing part was he was certain he had made a similar vow _last _year.

_Prompt #7: Break My Bones_

-xXx-


	2. Are There Brakes on That Thing?

Chapter 2 – Are There Brakes on That Thing?

Finally released from the hospital, the hot summer atmosphere was both a breath of fresh air and a sweltering hammer. Itachi closed his eyes and appreciated being able to feel either.

"Hey old man! Get a move on!"

And as soon at the fucking wheelchair cleared the doorway, he was going to plant Naruto's face into the nearest wall. The plain white bricks of the ER entrance were rather conveniently close.

"NARUTO-KUN! You shouldn't say that about Itachi-san! He is in the springtime of his youth! Even Gai-sensei-"

"Yeah, yeah."

Snickering behind him only caused Itachi to grunt. "Heh, you'd think this was the first time any of them had been to a hospital."

"Let's go." An impatient rustle of cellophane and paper sounded to his left.

There was a soft giggle from even further back and a familiar grunt that echoed his own.

"Ah, let's go." Itachi straightened and lifted his chin. A flare of bright sunshine caused him to squint momentarily as the group moved out from the shadows of the hospital's awning. Naruto's grin and Lee's beaming visage were the first things he saw.

Kisame rolled the wheelchair down the ramp with practised ease, Sasuke following behind. The youngest Uchiha's arms and shoulders burdened by flowers, stuffed toys, and colourful cards; even a bottle of red wine.

Arm in arm, his parents walked down the steps beside the ramp; Mikoto shaking her head and smiling, Fugaku scowling at the two younger boys who were loudly arguing the speed capabilities of a wheelchair.

By the time the group had reached the cars, the debate had resulted in Lee challenging Naruto to prove his youthful vitality and both boys were now staring expectantly at Itachi, who was still utilizing hospital property.

He sighed, and rose to step out of the contraption. A few things happened then: Mother reached out at the same time as Kisame, and Sasuke took the two steps required to shove the many gifts into Naruto's arms. Itachi gritted his teeth as warm hands supported his elbow and a single larger one braced his shoulder. The situation was embarrassing enough without Sasuke turning back to him, concern plain in his eyes.

For a moment, it wasn't clear whether the younger Uchiha would shove him back into the chair or help him away from it. "You don't have to, aniki," Sasuke protested.

Itachi reached out, ignoring the flare of pain at the movement, and poked his sibling between the eyes. "Baka, I have to get into the car." Amused, he watched Sasuke blink and scowl.

When the rough hand on his shoulder tensed in warning, Itachi nodded in acknowledgement. Finding his balance, he steadied himself as Kisame deftly pulled the chair away from him. After many trips to the ER for close friends, Sharky had mastered the wrist movements needed to steer a wheelchair. Those same trips had also taught Itachi the finer points of a fireman's carry.

His brother still hadn't moved, though the signs of worry were now buried under a thick layer of annoyance. _Could you glare at someone and yet channel mother hen vibes at the same time?_ Because Sasuke was doing it. "Alright," Itachi relented, sighing. "Help me move the two feet."

At his right elbow, Mother said firmly, "Be nice Itachi. He's being a brother."

"Aaah! A shining example of brotherly LOVE! How beautiful! How youthful and—Ommmf!"

Behind Sasuke, whose right eye was twitching, Naruto had shoved a toy bear into Lee's face. "Yeah yeah."

"Hey Lee?' Kisame couldn't quite keep his voice innocent, but Itachi gave him points for trying. "Take the chair back?"

The kid with the bowl cut came to attention, complete with salute and cradled teddy bear in his free hand. "Yosh! I will do as you request Kisame-kun!"

Itachi could almost feel his old friend twitch at the suffix. A moment later, he let out a chuckle. Sasuke's eyes had crinkled at the edges as the youngest Uchiha tried not to laugh out loud at Kisame who was probably making some rather interesting expressions.

Father shook his head and headed towards the driver's side as Mother let out a delighted giggle. "Come on kids. Lunch is waiting."

_Real food?_ Itachi's head snapped up as even Sasuke dropped all semblance of annoyance. It was now Kisame's turn to laugh.

"Er, can someone open the trunk?" Naruto was eyeing the chair as Lee trundled it back. "I'd like to put this stuff down."

There was a clunking sound as the trunk unlatched and popped open.

"Thanks! Uh... I'll catch up with you later, Itachi. Lee still has the teddy." Naruto dumped the gifts into the storage compartment, slammed down the lid, and sprinted to catch up to his friend. "Lee! Chair! Er, I mean bear! Wait!"

_Prompt #8: Tortoise and the Hare_

-xXx-


	3. Self Sacrifice is Overrated

Chapter 3 – Self-Sacrifice is Overrated

"Dude! Put the baked goods down and back away from the oven!"

Startled, the brunet by the stove dropped the still-warm cookie back onto the pile and stepped away. The shock was momentary though as the thief immediately began to negotiate. "There's plenty there! Just one? Please?"

Naruto snarled and hustled over to the tray of cookies, bodily blocking Kiba from the chocolatey-gooey-goodness that was Iruka's famed recipe. "No!" he snapped as he pulled the oven door open and heat blasted his face, bringing with it more delicious smells.

Behind him, his friend whined as the blond pulled out another tray of treats, this time citrus squares whole and uncut. "Are you serious? Really? This is torture! _That _is heaven! And you're preventing me from reaching paradise!"

"Oh, shut up," Naruto replied, carefully sliding the large confection onto a chopping board.

"Since when do you bake for Uchiha anyway?" Kiba grumbled.

The confectionery chef looked up from cutting squares out of the thick sheet of pastry, lemon, and sugar. "Since he got his chest caved in because of me." His voice came out a little less forceful than he wanted, the end trailing off guiltily.

Silence rang in the air for a moment, and then the other man frowned. "Hey... It's not your fault. And Uchiha already accepted apologies from both Lee and Kisame." The frown deepened into a scowl. "Who told you it was your fault?"

Naruto shook his head and went back to cutting. "Doesn't matter. I should have warned Kisame when I saw the cake. I should have known the rum would affect Lee. I shouldn't have let Lee—"

"Fuck that." A hand came down on Naruto's shoulder and the blond shut his mouth with a hard click. "You were drunk, Kisame showed up late, and Lee was supposed to be training." Kiba pulled Naruto around with a firm tug. "Does Uchiha blame you?" His tone was incredulous.

Gaze dropping to the floor, he muttered, "One of them does." And temeknew Itachi better than Naruto did.

The young zoology major breathed in deep, then growled. "Really?"

That wasn't really a question, but he nodded anyway, miserable. His best friend was righteously furious with him for getting Itachi injured.

Sasuke hadn't been there for the roommates' party and had charged Naruto with organizing the surprise event. The Uchihas had already celebrated on the older brother's birthday and the friendly get together had been a few days later on the weekend. Everything had been fine until Lee had dropped in after his track meet. Kisame had seen the athlete announcing his presence at the door and had shouted back that there was cake. After that was a blurry recollection of broken plates, skittering bottles, and the smell of spilled raspberry vodka. There had been a lot of booze. It was entirely possible Lee had gotten intoxicated just on the fumes.

And then Itachi was down, Naruto was panicking, and Lee was passed out... And then the hospital. And then the call to the Uchiha household, which led to telling Sasuke.

Oooooh, that was not a happy memory. Naruto shook his head and looked around. Wait—where was Kiba?

Casting his eyes over the oven and the counter tops, it didn't look like the dog lover had made off with any goodies while he was distracted, but he could hear voices down the hall. _Voices?_

The only person over there was his roommate, why would he... _Oh no!_

"Kiba?" the blond hurriedly put the knife down and sprinted for the bedrooms. _He better not be confronting Itachi_. The man was already broken! "Wait! It's not him!"

Skidding around the bend, Naruto could hear his friend's voice rise, "—and because of him, the idiot is blaming himself!"

"Goddamnit Kiba! If I want to blame myself, that's my choice!"

Two sets of eyes: one pair deep brown, the other coal black, swung around to regard him for a moment as he stood panting in the doorway. He glared at his friend, not daring to look at Itachi.

Kiba scowled right back at him before rounding back on the older resident, ignoring the spluttering blond. "You know it's bullshit, _he _should know it's bullshit, that quivering blob of self-hate _should _know it's bullshit. Fix it," a finger stabbed in Naruto's direction, "because he doesn't deserve this."

"Dude..." He couldn't decide whether to hug Kiba or slug him.

But when the injured Itachi inclined his head and said, "I agree," all without taking his eyes off his conflicted roommate, Naruto pledged a dozen cookies to the victorious brunet right then and there.

"I will call my brother right now."

_Wait—what?_

_Prompt #9: So Much for Anarchy_

-xXx-


	4. The Right Words

Chapter 4 – The Right Words

The line rang a few times before, "_Hello?_"

_Ah, Karin_. Itachi leaned back in his chair, observing the other two men in the room. Kiba looked expectant while Naruto seemed ready to shrink into the floor.

"Hello, this is Itachi. Is my brother home?"

"Oh. Hi, Itachi." Karin sounded borderline hostile, but then that was always the case. "Yeah, he's here. Hold on." The phone was abruptly set down, her voice muffled as she cooed for Sasuke. Itachi felt one of his eyebrows twitch.

"Good God, why did he marry _her_?" Kiba sneered at the speaker as Karin's voice once again wavered through to them. "She's so... Ugh."

"Eh heh heh heh..."

Both brunets swung their eyes over to Naruto as the blond rubbed the back of his head. He looked even more guilty now that he was under scrutiny.

"Well, when Sakura turned him down..." Naruto stopped and shrugged, eyes sliding towards the Uchiha in the room.

Next to him, Kiba scowled. "For a good reason. They weren't even dating."

Itachi blinked. _Interesting._ Nearly five years ago, when Sasuke had calmly announced Sakura would no longer be joining them for Sunday dinner, Itachi had assumed the pinkette had simply discovered romance else where. Mother had been the only one to express any emotion at the news. She had pulled Sasuke into a tight embrace, stroking his hair and murmuring something incoherent about puppy love. After a rather confused moment, Itachi had left to make a fresh pot of tea, Father had begun to laugh, and Sasuke was grinding his teeth down to the roots.

"Yeah, anyway." That ridiculous grin was back in place. "I told him he should have gone for Karin."

"You what?" Kiba yelped. "Why?"

The blond opened his mouth to reply, but Itachi held up a hand, pointedly tilting his head towards the speaker. _Later_, he mouthed as they all heard the sounds of the phone being picked up.

"Brother?"

"Foolish otouto," Itachi returned.

And that was all it took sometimes.

There was a sigh on the other end. "Fine. I'll talk to the dobe later."

Kiba took a step forward, a sharp retort forming, but the older Uchiha shook his head. The brunet scowled and backed down reluctantly.

Sasuke spoke again. "How are your ribs?"

Naruto looked away as Kiba's jaw dropped.

_Yes, Inuzuka, my brother does have a heart,_ Itachi thought. "Healing as expected," he replied out loud. "There is no reason for concern."

"Aa."

There was a beat of silence. Itachi moved forward to begin the farewells, but Sasuke interrupted.

"This on speakerphone isn't it?"

"Yes." He had never thought to disguise the fact.

"Naruto is there?"

"I'm here," said the blond, taking a few steps towards the phone. The young man had squared his shoulders and lifted his chin; a vast improvement over his depressed appearance minutes before.

The younger Uchiha sighed again. "Ramen?" he offered.

The results were instantaneous. Uzumaki perked up. "Yes! When?"

Behind him, Kiba rolled his eyes, but he still smiling slightly as the blond and Itachi's younger brother arranged to meet later that evening for a late dinner.

_Prompt #10: Hot-tempered Redhead_

-xXx-

A/N: I have no excuses for the way these chapters are dragging out. It's friggin' embarrassing.


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